Filling time
I always imagine that "someday" I will have days and days of doing whatever I want. Painting, traveling, napping, learning to knit, writing the novel that's burrowed deep in the grey matter... That "someday" I will have a few days with absolutely nothing I HAVE to do, and tons of things I WANT to do.I find myself aways busy though, and it frustrates me no end.
But I've recently realized that being busy is a choice, that I am choosing to be this busy.
I don't have to work while we are in Japan. The deal is that I get this time to do what I want, and in five years, Fearless Husband gets a year to try and write while I work. It's the first time I haven't been fully employed since I was 15 (and yes, I managed to finish high school AND college..I just worked a lot, too!) I don't have to take on any freelance work. I am not required to do any of the pro bono work I do (and there is a ton of it!) Sure I have a part time six-month contract with the Navy now, but it's a result of a year of volunteering, and I didn't have to take it. My husband's at sea quite a bit, and so I don't have to cook if I don't want to, or even clean.
So why am I so busy? Am I a wimp who can't say no, and who carries a flashing sign that says "ask me to help you!"? No. I purposefully and deliberately choose what I do to fill my time...even the stuff I don't want to do on some level, I do want to do on another level. No one is making me do anything right now.
So...I've got to work on changing things. Either I stop beating myself up about the choices I've made, and enjoy them, or I make different choices.
Easy to say. We'll see if I can follow through.
posted by Carolie @ 10:23 PM
3 Comments:
Good luck with that. I have been remarkably unbusy since moving here and I felt guilty about that at first. But I'm doing my best to get over it and enjoy the free time, particularly when it is sunny and high 70s like today. I'm off to the park!
I have a list of things that need deciding. Would you like to tackle that for me? It's easy, I promise! I'll DO the things, once the course of action has been decided on. I just need to outsource the decision-making.
No? Oh, all right then. Live your own life. =)
When we first moved here, I was thrilled to be able to say yes to a lot of volunteer things since I finally had a job that accomodated this. After a year or so, though, I found that my time was not my own. I am so poorly organized, that I still managed to miss committee meetings, and I started feeling so guilty about what I could not do that I finally just said NO. I have satisfied myself with going to the odd charity drive or contributing baked goods to PTA coffee mornings, etc, and I collect for Christian Aid once a year. I am currently organizing my own coffee morning now (I will be getting my hair cut in public and contributing the hair to Locks of Love, while the money I make will go to Action Aid), and this ought to be more than enough for me to keep up with.
I have friends who do tons of volunteer work and manage to do their jobs, care for their families, etc. I can't help but feel wistful -- I wish I could be like that! -- but this just isn't me. I clearly lack the kind of organizational skills these women have.
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