Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Filling time

I always imagine that "someday" I will have days and days of doing whatever I want. Painting, traveling, napping, learning to knit, writing the novel that's burrowed deep in the grey matter... That "someday" I will have a few days with absolutely nothing I HAVE to do, and tons of things I WANT to do.

I find myself aways busy though, and it frustrates me no end.

But I've recently realized that being busy is a choice, that I am choosing to be this busy.

I don't have to work while we are in Japan. The deal is that I get this time to do what I want, and in five years, Fearless Husband gets a year to try and write while I work. It's the first time I haven't been fully employed since I was 15 (and yes, I managed to finish high school AND college..I just worked a lot, too!) I don't have to take on any freelance work. I am not required to do any of the pro bono work I do (and there is a ton of it!) Sure I have a part time six-month contract with the Navy now, but it's a result of a year of volunteering, and I didn't have to take it. My husband's at sea quite a bit, and so I don't have to cook if I don't want to, or even clean.

So why am I so busy? Am I a wimp who can't say no, and who carries a flashing sign that says "ask me to help you!"? No. I purposefully and deliberately choose what I do to fill my time...even the stuff I don't want to do on some level, I do want to do on another level. No one is making me do anything right now.

So...I've got to work on changing things. Either I stop beating myself up about the choices I've made, and enjoy them, or I make different choices.

Easy to say. We'll see if I can follow through.